Yesterday I learned how to crochet, something random and new to me. It was a ton of fun since it was with friends. When I finished my headband/ear warmers, which was suprisingly easy and fairly quick, I took a break. When I went to pick up the water pitcher, I nearly dropped it. My hand went numb and were tingling. It quietly scared me and I walked out of the room. I was so close to crying because I’ve been having issues with my hands feeling weak. It is so strange. I keep having to go to doctors appointments and get new MRI’s and its scary not understanding whats going on. I know that it is something with my nerves but that’s probably what scares me more. It takes all my concentration and brain power to not drop things, to keep typing, to lift a pencil. The struggle is real. The struggle is frustrating and drives me nuts. I’m tired of new things coming up. I’m tired of new problems. I just want to be able to do something as simple as crocheting and not have problems. It triggers feelings that I haven’t had to deal with for two years. Limitations is a word I don’t like and struggle to accept. I hate knowing there are things I can’t do.
I know everything will be ok and that for whatever reason this is the trial I’m facing in my daily life for the time being. I know it could be worse, I’ve been there. I know that maybe I’m not supposed to crochet for some reason, but, I mean come on, I was doing it for the homeless (I’m not kidding-either). Being reminded that I cannot do everything really humbles me. Each person has been gifted with various talents and attributes to benefit society and bring glory. Maybe my talents are somewhere else, I think I am still searching. I am reminded when I cannot do something that it turns me to G-d, who can do everything, can comfort me and can remind me that it will be ok. So for now, I will deal with hands that feel strange, weak, and painful. One thing I know is that when something is weak it is just an opportunity to strengthen it. I’m not too sure how to do that for now but I know that prayer can change things!