This past week has been filled with so many highs and lows, valleys and peaks, both literally and physically. It seems that when you lose someone you just try to make it to the next minute, hour, day, week and month. Each day for the past week I have embraced and tackled the day with the help of G-d, friends and family. I struggled with understanding and coming to terms with this loss. I still haven’t reached that point but I have made almost seven days, almost a whole week that I know there is no turning back. Each day will be different, hard and challenging but there will be sparks of light, smiles, laughter and happiness. The loss of life reminds me of the frailty of being human. It helps me to refocus my life on the fact that life is not something that you can plan out. It is rather like a book with each day being a new page, unwritten and unknown but so often filled with some spec of lasting impact. This week I was reminded how valuable the commodity of time is. It cannot be bought or sold, and is a gift which evil, tragic and harmful events can take away without asking permission.
I realized how important it is that when you tell someone you will meet at a certain time you shouldn’t waste one second to get to them because thats one second more which was wasted. I so often run late and now am I reminded how terrible that is and how I would hate for someone to do that to me. I feel as though there are plenty of broken people who have hurt me by wasting my time and trying to bring me down in their sinking ship. It hurts and today the tears flow easy for multiple reasons but I think it comes down to the fact that I didn’t have enough time with my grandpa or that friend or that guy.
I am struggling and its hard but I am just trying to take it one breathe at a time. Listen to the music and go for a workout. I will breathe in and exhale. I will get through this, because this how G-d has made me. He has made me tough, enclosed by thick walls and slowly I am feeling them crumbling and I am not sure how to handle it. G-d is showing me how human I am and how much I cannot do with Him. I know there are so many good things that will come but for now I just need the strength and sweet comfort to get through today. I am thankful for the time that G-d has given me. Tomorrow, if it comes, I will embrace it and live it and treasure all the time which I have because it really is the most valuable thing that G-d has given me and I will not take that for granted.