I’ve realized that I haven’t written on here for a long time, but believe me I have thought much. Alot has happened since I last wrote. My life has changed (like always) haha but its been different because I haven’t been able to write it out. A few weeks ago, I had a week off for break from work (they’re nice!) and I went and traveling around the East Coast. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and got to learn and build a stronger bond with each of them. I learned my Aunt likes reading different types of books and that my Uncle taught me how to make Apfel Strudel. I’m grateful for the trip, the places I got to see and the people I encountered along the way. Then I returned “home” which is still away from my “hometown”. I started to readjust back to life here in the midwest by going to every possible event that I could. I became overwheled with all the oppportunities and options. I began to feel like I would and will never have enough time to do everything which I wish to. Thats when things started to go downhill. Because I got so caught up in trying to do everything, my body ended up making me take steps backwards. It started with sniffling and sore throat. Then I stayed out too late one night and could feel the strain in my vocal chords, so the next 2 days I decided it would be best if I didn’t say anything. AND…I didn’t. Then I went back to work on Monday and on my way home I was not feeling great at all. All of a sudden my body felt fatigued and exhausted as if I had just run a marathon and all I did was normal going to work routine. My friend drove me to the local urgent care. Didn’t seem super helpful and there weren’t answers that I needed. Then Tuesday came around and I was still exhausted and so I struggled through work and somehow made it through those 8 hours. On my way home I called my mom and told her I was going to ER. Another friend drove me to the ER so that I could be tested for Mono, Strep, Anemia, etc… after waiting for hours, all the results came back telling me I was clear of those. So that was good to know it wasn’t anything super serious. The doctor prescribed more medicine and suggested I see an ENT. So all week I was drained and I hadn’t done anything. In fact, Wednesday I didn’t even go to work. Thankfully there are nice people here who offer to make and or bring me soup, movies, gatorade, etc. Its been amazing. Then this weekend I just kept resting but wasn’t feeling like I was getting better. Talked to my mom again who happened to be at a health conference this weekend and she suggested going off white rice, white flour, white anything, etc..and one of my good friends who experienced something like this back in high school suggested getting off sugar. So in the past few days I have slowly stopped. I even juiced kale and spinach and apples yesterday to see if those will help me find my energy again. All day at work I felt super distracted but this evening is where I was trying to bring my story to.
This evening I quickly made dinner and drove to my friends house. There we had a small group discussion with people from within the jewish community. We discussed Good vs. Bad which turned into Right vs. Wrong which led to Universal Truth but what about the fine print…the questions got deeper and caused greater perplex to how I feel about this subject. I feel it is something of great value and I feel like I am now starting the process of reflection to determine how I believe about Good and Bad and so forth. It will be like this philosophical debate within my head but discovered through conversations, books and any other methods that seem fit. It reminds me of the conversation that lasted all year and then some, that I had had with my cousins about selfishness not being a bad thing. It broadened my horizon and perspective much and in my opinion for the better.
Anyways the reason I am telling you all of this is because as I was driving away and listening to Coldplays, “Yellow” I was feeling nostalgic, and grateful and there was a strong sense of peace within my soul, within my body, within my car, within the air. There is something about this place. Something that makes me feel like I belong. Something that challenges me to grow in ways I wished and strived for back home. It made me think about home and about how in a few weeks I will be back there. But is it really home anymore? I don’t live there. In fact I don’t really live anywhere. I move apartment to apartment every few months because I am still finishing up school or like last summer when I studied abroad or now when I am interning in another state. What is home? Where is home? What defines home?
What is good? What is bad? Who defines it?
I’m seeking the truth and there is something powerful in that. I may not be healthy enough to go for a run yet or to stay out till the wee hours in the morning but its a work in progress.
To finish off, I would just like to share about how to today at work I was successful in creating a Matlab code that produced results that were valuable to perform data analysis to. It took me a lot less time than the last one and for that I am thankful. That means I’m learning and growing and doing something purposeful with my life. I think that means I am right where I am supposed to be even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
I better get some sleep, I don’t want to relapse.
Good night friends,