In engineering there is this concept of Neutral Axis. You can make measurements from this Neutral Axis, this middle ground.
This weekend I have learned much about myself, about G-d and about the world.
1. I push people away from me, people that I so badly want to let in.
2. I deserve love and to be happy.
3. Not everything is as it seems.
4. There is a big grand plan that G-d has and I have no clue what it is.
5. I am blessed to be a blessing (Genesis 12-15)
6. I don’t know my purpose and that’s ok.
I have struggled much this weekend as I hurt someone that I like, very much. I have been in weird zone because I hurt. I realize that I can act like everything is fine, but its not. I want so very much to be able to work through this. To talk about it and to grow from it. I don’t want for us to beat the odds. The odds that seem to be winning. I want to be there for this person. I want this experience to go differently than it seems.
It feels like I am going into surgery. I say this because I am not 100% sure of what is next or what is happening despite the way it seems. Maybe I am holding onto hope that isn’t really there. Maybe I am being optimistic. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I am just in the Neutral Axis. I have room to grow and measure my worth. I know that everything will work out however at this time this saying my dad told me today seems to help, “sometimes its hard to see the forest through the trees”.
I hurt because I have allowed myself to be vulnerable. Something I STRUGGLE with so much. Yet, here it is. Here I am. And that is all. The rest is up to G-d and this person I hurt. I just hope that he can forgive me enough to let me back in.