“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.” – F. Scott Fitsgerald
I am going to try something new. Today is the start of November. Today is the start of a new month. For the next 30 days I am hoping to take at least a few minutes every day to reflect on one aspect of life that I am grateful for. I hope that by embracing all the good in my life that I will allow even more good and light to enter.
Today I am grateful for so much. I am going to start by thanking G-d for the wisdom He seems to be sharing with me. The past month I learned so much about myself, about G-d, about others and about life. I feel like an exponential curve of constant learning and understanding has come into my life and I hope to not lose sight of it. I realize that some of my past posts I wrote how I was feeling and I was allowing myself to feel like a victim. The reality of the situation is that yes things didn’t turn out the way I hoped but I was fighting a battle within myself and just allowed others to get involved. I was the victim of my own trauma.
I feel free for the first time in a long time. I have been bound to my expectations and disappointments for way longer than I should have. I got in my way of something good, from the very beginning. This isn’t the first time. However, this is the first time that I have realized and accepted that it is more than ok to trust G-d and trust that I can have something good, true and beautiful. It is the first time that I have accepted that I want what my parents want for me, it just might be slightly different than everything they have in mind. I recognize that I have been fighting with my soul for a long time. This is the first time, I have allowed my spiritual soul to win. And my soul feels good. I feel peace despite the disappointment.
For the past few months I have really been fighting my spiritual soul and my animalistic soul. Somehow while trying to let my spiritual soul win, instead my animalistic soul was taking the lead. I am so grateful G-d has helped me to realize this. I am grateful for the freedom that G-d is blessing me with. It seems I have been fighting with G-d for sometime and that is why I never allowed more good into my life. I was being prideful and arrogant and taking situations into my own hands. I was ruining what G-d was setting up. Now that I recognize this, hopefully I can change. I feel like now instead of arguing with G-d I am just trying to embrace my place. Accept what He has in store and to change in the ways that I have resisted before. I now know more about how I am. The big thing is that for me, I am a work in progress. I will be for the rest of my life. However, for the first time, I feel like G-d and I are on the same page. I also feel like today I had a conversation with my dad that hopefully changes our relationship for the better. It seems to have. It was a conversation of much understanding, validating and recognizing our differences and similarities. I love my dad and feel like I am not fighting with him anymore. There is no need. We are where we are supposed to be. I now realize how important my relationship with my dad is to me and how much it also impacts my relationship with G-d. This is why I feel peace. I am allowing and not fighting who I am and who I want to be with who I thought I would be, by this point in my life. Truly a blessing!
Last night I had an experience with two new friends where we were embracing Shabbat (the sabbath) and were walking around. We stopped when we reached this beautiful building and literally sat on the ground to admire it. We shared life stories, hopes, dreams, wishes, uncertainties, failures and basically the reality that we are all very human. Then it started to rain. When it started to rain, I began to sing. I sang one of my favorite songs, “Good Morning” from the movie Singing in the Rain. I danced around and laughed. The amazing thing was that my two friends joined right along. We continued to sing the rest of the walk back to my friends apartment. There was one moment when we were all singing that made me feel slightly infinite. I felt connected to these two new friends and it was awesome! I have experienced this feeling before while singing, but I have only had it twice before. Its cool because I used to be so self conscience about singing but now I seem to not care so much. Singing and music has this amazing power to connect people in a way that normal speaking does not. It is beautiful.
To break down the past few days into one specific aspect of my life to be grateful for, it would have to be G-d’s love, light and constant orchestration of my life despite my resistance. (I guess that is technically three aspects…but they are all interconnected!) 🙂