This early morning I find myself having trouble getting some shut eye but it’s ok. I was up till 2 working on a big project for one of my engineering classes and I probably put more time and effort into it than I needed. And the thing is, in a few hours I’ll be at it again finalizing everything for the presentation I have on Monday.
The weird thing is that this person who lied to me, and caused me to become more skeptical and questioning of a good situation in my life decided to text me multiple messages after 3am. I say it’s weird because I’m over being friends with someone who causes pain and yet wants to be liked. She hurt me. I had trusted her, I didn’t expect her to do such things, and yet, then her true colors bled through. It’s really sad actually. It’s sad that it caused me to question whether a truthful guy I liked was telling me the truth…regarding a phone number that could be fake for all I know, that she gave me. Sad how things went down. Sad especially because it was over a phone number. Sad because the guy is not in my life anymore.
However I’m reminded of other experiences mainly with other girls in the past who I thought were friends and yet when I began to have success in a particular area they began to crave it and it got in the way. I still remember an instance freshmen year where I happened to be one of three students to do well on an exam. This friend was upset as she failed. Then the next test came around and I failed and she did well and there was some comment of how we were “even” now. That made me mad. Why couldn’t both of us do well? Why couldn’t we both succeed? It wasn’t like there was an additional gold star if you got the highest grade. Especially for women in engineering, we should not be seeing one another as competition, instead we should be using each other as a support system for all the random and ridiculous challenges we face.
Flashback a bit further and I recall opening the rejection letter senior year of high school to my dream “reach” university. I remember being sad about the situation. However, it obviously wasn’t the right school for me or where I was supposed to go. Months later I had acceptance letters from all the other universities I applied to.
Back to today. Today I think of a couple different conversations that I have had the past few days. One was with my friend KA who said something like: healthy people are rare and hard to find…why aren’t more people honest like you. To which my response was in agreement. People that are in healthy states of being are hard to find, rare and even then may have different struggles to which they battle. The honesty factor I don’t understand either. I am honest and have learned it’s always easier to tell the truth, you don’t have to remember as much because it’s in your heart and it’s the right thing. Sadly the rest of the world does not seem so transparent.
The second conversation was with my career advisor, M. Although this particular conversation was months ago when I first had a mock interview with him. At the end he asked me a few questions regarding schooling, plans for post graduation and offered support and encouragement. One of the key takeaways I gained from the conversation is when he said, “don’t settle”. I am working more and striving further to live this out in all areas not just in choosing a job/company. It seems that if you do not allow yourself to settle, or sell yourself short, that you just might wind up with just what your deserve and maybe even better! You know your worth, your value and you don’t let silliness get the best of you. I think this concept can be applied not just in work, but especially in friendships/relationships and all that you do.
All in all, what I am saying is that I am grateful for experiences and people who have rejected or caused pain to me. Not because of the pain or heartache but rather it reminds me that it was just not meant to be. That it leads me to healthier experiences and healthier people. It leads me to be a healthier person and to detox from such toxic scenarios. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for something I deserve whether it be a job, a man or a friend. When it’s right, it’ll work and both parties involved will work towards success even when outsiders attempt to intrude. To me rejection is horrible and hurts yet it validates who I am today, where I was and now where I am going. That sounds ridiculous however rejections lead to change because hope has diminished. However now there’s a new light, once I get past that rejection I’ll move into a new acceptance and love and warm embrace that I may have never got to experience had things panned out different.
So here’s to:
Support. Love. Encouragement. Truth. Respect. Honor. Candor. Give. Patience. Worth. Health. Rare. Beautiful. Powerful. Change. Being me.