This morning I had to get my blood drawn, a little after the break of dawn. It was early, I was tired and I got lost trying to find the lab. Thankfully, I found it, just in time. Then came the fun part (just kidding) when they had to take my blood. Now, normally I get them to use a butterfly needle, however, this time, the woman told me that they would not be able to do that, or it would mess up the test. WHAT? (was definitely my first thought). However when she stuck the needle in me, I barely felt it. It was like a little pinch and I could feel it in my vein yet it didn’t seem like a big deal. I have had a lot of blood tests since the accident, especially while I was still in the hospital. AND you know what I remember, just how excruciating that pain was and how thick the needle was. Once out of the hospital, the first year I felt like I was getting blood tests every two weeks or every month to keep an eye on things. I hated getting my blood drawn. I think I was also scared of getting my blood drawn and of the pain of the sharp needle.
You know what I learned today? I learned that I am not scared of needles or of getting blood drawn. It felt fine, although slightly uncomfortable, and I would have rather not have been there. I was and it was quick and easy. It is no longer a big deal, just a simple step on my road of recovery.
In addition, when I walked outside after my blood test, the clouds were separating and I could see the light blue sky. The trees were still dripping, from being soaked in rain and the sound of tires rubbing against the water drenched streets. It was a beautiful and peaceful moment. Even if just for a bit. I felt whole. I felt like I was no scared of blood tests anymore. That felt like a big step for me. It felt good and nice to not be reacting to my circumstances. Even if it was just for a second or two. To me that felt like closure from a fear. Or rather, overcoming a fear. To me that feels like healing and trust, that it’ll be ok to get my blood drawn when I have to. Trust in G-d, that the results will help guide my doctors and myself to learn what is going on with my health. Trust in the practitioner, enough to let her/him poke me with a needle. To me, this feels like a step forward, even after yesterdays exhaustion rant and feeling like I was five steps backwards. I guess everything in its own time.
Here’s thanks to G-d, for the beauty in overcoming a fear of mine and in the simplicity when the clouds part and the sky shines through. To me, it helped me to start my last day of classes prior to finals, in just such a beautiful way!