Originally, today I wanted to write about another beautiful element of my day, which I think would have to be friends and good conversations. Being content and happy and grateful for both. Not to take away from that beautiful element of my life, I also want to face the other reality in my life: tired. I am exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. I’ve gone into valleys such as this before. I don’t want to though. I want to change. I want to not be tired. I want to find that joy that I know is within me and within reach. And, sometimes I do. I am tired of ending up in the doctors office only to learn that I need to get more bloodwork. That most likely my body just needs to readjust and reset itself. Or that some pains I have, I will probably always have. I’m tired of weak hands. I’m tired of strange tingling in my legs when I sit for too long. I am tired of having to work hard to try to understand enough to get through my classes. I’m tired of “faking it till I make it”. I want so badly to be done with school. To feel “normal” whatever normal is and to not have these weird pains. What have I learned. My circumstances are no different than others. Other people have weird pains just as much as I do. Other people are “faking it till they make it too”. There are some people that work even harder than me to understand. I guess I’ve always felt like life is unfair. AND guess what? It IS!
If anything, I should have known this, long ago. My dad has always preached that life isn’t fair. He also taught my siblings and myself that just because life isn’t fair, means you just have to work hard. And from what I’ve learned he is right. My dad is right that you have to work hard. Sometimes harder than you even think possible. I don’t regret or take any of this for granted. However, I’m just tired. I want a break. I’m tired of the uphill climb. I just want to be healthy and well. I want to be able to move forward and to be leading a healthy life.
I realize I should be grateful for the health that I do have. I know it could be much worse. I also should be grateful to be able to work hard because it has been G-d blessing me to get through living each day with a TBI (traumatic brain injury).
I realize I sometimes use my brain injury as an excuse. But, it is! I don’t fully understand it, even with as much as do. Especially at the end of the semester my brain has so much information and emotions from the good and bad throughout the semester that it’s like I struggle to think about more engineering work and I just want to take my finals and be done. Then break, when its a true vacation gives good opportunity for rest, enjoyment and ability to savor and be in the moment.
So I guess it all goes back to me being in denial. In this case, regarding stress. It all goes back to freshmen year, fall semester and I was really stressed! Yet, I didn’t want anyone to know. So instead with my friend B asked if I was stressed. I exclaimed that I wasn’t. He continued, ” who are you trying to convince” and I said “no one” and this went on back and forth for quite some time. Since then, B and I go back and forth on how I was so stressed that I denied it because I didn’t want to accept or allow myself to be. So I guess I’m just stressed. I’ve worked hard all semester for this. To be done with all my homework and just waiting to take finals. For that I am grateful. I’m grateful I’m even in this spot, as a senior in college. I still remember the day, my doctor told me to “drop out” of college because my brain wouldn’t be able to handle it just yet and that I would be overloaded with doctors appointments. I now realize that I am blessed and maybe being tired is ok. Maybe it’s ok that I’m stressed and ready to be done with the semester. Maybe I am normal with abnormal pain periodically. Maybe I am blessed and beautiful to be able to be in university, to be a senior and to be studying mechanical engineering. Life isn’t always rosey not am looking through rose-colored glasses. Life is ok. And it’s going to be ok. And if I choose to hope, it’ll be more than ok one day. And hopefully that day I will no longer feel this “fog” of tiredness.