Hey there friends!
I know I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been thinking a lot and reading even more than that. School has been good thus far and I am really enjoying my classes even though I am pretty sure I am already confused on most of my homework, haha. Oh well. I guess there could be worse things. Also, I don’t feel as stressed about school as I have in the past, which is a nice change. I have time to read, to paint and to even go home and eat some delicious ice cream with my family!
Today I made a “quick” run to a few stores to pick up some things I needed for myself, and for a few gifts I am trying to put together. While I was checking out, the cashier began to talk to me and sounded genuinely interested in how my day was going. I was quite honest, it was good, just long. He then asked why, I supplied my answer of, “I’m in school”. He then asked what I was studying, and I responded “mechanical engineering”. He thought that was cool and asked what I was going to do with that degree. By this time, the next woman in line was listening in. I responded that I didn’t know. She told me it was ok. She told me how she thought she wanted to be a teacher and then when she graduated she decided against that. She went to graduate school for a degree in communications. I was somewhat shocked what these strangers were telling me. Maybe I looked desperate. In the sense that I don’t know what to do and I am trying almost too hard to figure out what I am supposed to do. And here I am, a senior, and hopefully in a few months will graduate. BUT, the problem is I keep looking out the window and looking at a few opportunities I am being presented with. I just don’t know whats right. One seems better on paper, yet, I can’t seem to stop thinking about the other. This evening I had to listen to a recorded lecture for one of my classes and it was a man from my school talking about Ecclesiastes and the meaning or rather no meaning to life. It was interesting.
I guess that is why I feel conflicted. Its like maybe I am trying to find meaning. Yet, all I am finding is vanity. Its like both choices are good choices but one clearly has better opportunities, or so it seems. But, its like are those the opportunities I want? Are those what will bring me to who I am supposed to be? Its hard to say. Its difficult because I want to live my purpose yet I am feeling a strange complex of “who am I?”.
Since the beginning of the year, I have been making choices and decisions. Something, I used to wait for someone else to do for me. Now its my turn. My time to say yes or no to what I want to do and what makes me happy. I am grateful for the guidance that G-d has been blessing me with. I just feel really conflicted about what to do after graduation. What is my purpose? Which choice will give me the life I dream of? Its hard to say. I don’t fully know what my dreams are anymore and that seems to be a problem.
Yet I’ve realized that this is far from the first time I have felt this way. However I am starting to see with healthy eyes. I am starting to learn and understanding that maybe, just maybe, the better choice is the one that will lead to dreams and my purpose and maybe, just maybe, my potential. I guess if there isn’t meaning to life and everything is vain. Then I need to calculate my risks and make a choice that will make me happy, bring glory to G-d and provide opportunities that I don’t even know of. In due time, I am sure that G-d will help me to accept which ever decision I choose. I am excited and nervous to know what that is, but I think at the very beginning of the year, I might have already made my decision. In fact, maybe I made the decision a year ago with a different question and different answers. But hey whose to know… I guess G-d will show me along the way and for that I am very grateful.