My oh my, has this month been such a joyous, nerve wrecking and crazy month. And its only March 6 haha.
I just received an email I have been waiting for since 2am haha. Basically I auditioned to be a speaker at this important ceremony. The audition went well despite my nerves and few times I tripped over my words. I felt like I did my best. As I really wanted to know the decision and of course, I have been hoping to have been selected.
Let’s flashback to the end of July 2014. I was sick, heartbroken and struggling. I didn’t want my internship to finish and I didn’t want to go back to school. I didn’t want to move back to CA and I didn’t want to be back to feeling “stuck” like I have always felt while being here. That specific day I drove to a nearby park instead of driving to my apartment. In the heat of the sun, I just sat there and bawled. I cried so hard and was in such pain.
SO, why am I telling you all this…
That evening when I finally calmed down enough to breathe again and to put on a fake smile for the roomate. I ended up having a friend over for dinner and her positive energy helped especially when she cracked some jokes which made me laugh. When I got ready for bed though, I found myself lost in my depressing thoughts again and found myself crying hard, again. This time though I ended up opening up a notetab on my phone and began to write. I wrote all my thoughts based on one of the things I wanted so bad on this particular day, graduation. Right then and there, I wrote a graduation speech.
Now you’re up to speed a bit more. You understand I’ve wanted this for a long time and was really hoping to be selected. Yet the past 24 hours as I knew the selected name would be released, I became curious and longing. I found myself really wanting it yet also feeling like maybe I was trying to convince myself that it was good enough. Yet from the beginning that I knew it would be a stretch for them to select me. Nonetheless I dreamed of it.
Anyways, I found out just a bit ago who they decided on and I feel fine about it. Maybe because I knew that they probably wouldn’t pick me. I am disappointed sure, but not really surprised. However, I know that my speech is great and does express my experience and feelings. I know that I did my best and that my best was good enough to bring glory to G-d. I know that G-d has something else in store instead. I feel grateful to have tried. To have no regrets about it and to just feel grateful to be in this point in my life.
Where do I go from here?
I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what G-d has in store, plan a little less, allow and welcome.
To wrap up, isn’t it funny how something we want so badly at one time might not be what we get. Isn’t it funny that even if we don’t get it, we are ok. Isn’t it funny that maybe we realize there are bigger fish to fry. It’s taken me 5 years to realize this. As I was a senior in high school, I lost and I lost bad in a competition which I had been the leader in since my sophomore year. Talk about disappointment. Yet, G-d had other plans. Turned out that because I didn’t win, that is why I ended up being recruited by the cross country team at the University I chose to attend, the one in which I still attend. Recruited to run for a school I never once crossed the finish line in their jersey. To attend a Baptist University that I have been the only Jew for so long. Yet, I found out last week there are two more!
I am blown away by G-d’s finely detailed plan for everything to work out for the best. AND for that, I am grateful!