Its me. I know I haven’t written since before moving but I have been struggling with change. Ironic right? Here I write a blog about embracing change and when I started to make all these changes instead of writing out my thoughts I started to let them ruminate and build up and burst like bubbles. Talk about struggle haha. Let me start back at the beginning:
A little more than 4 months ago I moved to a new state and with that, started: a new job, to keep shabbat, a kosher home and new friends. I should be more than stoked, I’m living the dream…right??? I would like to preface all this by saying I am grateful! I am grateful for the experiences, the challenges, the learning, the growing, the laughter, the tears and every single bit of it. But that still doesn’t make embracing the changes any easier. To some degree it makes them more purposeful…or that is the way I would like to think. Except it still brings me back to right here, right now as I even attempt to write a post (seems I’ve forgotten that too). I don’t know. What I do know is that my whole life I have been dreaming and working towards my life right now to be the way it is, and thank G-d the way He has led me. However, I didn’t dream for what to do once I got here. This probably sounds crazy and hey maybe I am a bit crazy…but I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Last weekend I ran a marathon! It still feels unreal and my body still aches from it. It was incredible and challenging but also so much fun. I enjoyed almost all of it. Though mile 17 I definitely hit a wall that I felt like I was questioning how to make it to the finish. Thank G-d for carrying me so much so, that the last mile I ran probably faster than most of the other miles…I was like sprinting to the finish! Thank G-d!!! It was quite an experience. Yet the crazy part is once you cross the finish line its like sweet I can walk again and the moment you begin to walk its like owwh, can I go back to running? Its all about the momentum I guess. Thats a simple law of physics. “An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Crazy that here I have been dreaming of finishing school and graduating and now I am right back to thinking of formulas, theories and concepts which I learned. Life sure is funny that way…isn’t it?
After the marathon I realized I didn’t know what was next…which is an ok situation but for me I need goals to work towards. So here is where I stand. Not sure where to go or which path to follow. This is NOT the first time for me and interestingly it was around this time last year that I was really confused about what to do after graduation. Here I am in the land which G-d has led me and I am still feeling lost. That does not mean I am not supposed to be here nor am I sure what that means, but that’s ok. I’m here. So I began to explore ideas and decided a few goals to start working towards, both are more long term but I think it’s good. As for short term, I am still working out the details. I think to start my goal is to learn to make at least one cool item in pottery class which I’ll be starting soon. Maybe I’ll bring back writing on here more often but I am not too sure. I am kind of laughing because my mother would probably read over this whole post and say, you know you’ve got to stop saying I don’t know…what do you know? I am grateful she calls me out like that and helps me to grow and improve.
Again I will go back to telling you what I do know. I know that the community I live in is big, filled with diverse personalities, great food and currently beautiful fall air. With fall I know change is in the air and can see it on the trees. I know that I live in a beautiful and bright apartment that has so much potential for light and wonderful opportunities as it has already shown to be the case. I know that I like to laugh. Walking clears my head. Long boarding focuses my energy. Learning to code is surprisingly easy and making more sense now versus when I tried to learn it in school. Ideas and crazy conversations are worth having. Letting go of control is hard but worthwhile. It means trusting G-d has a bigger and better plan than all the worries in my head today. It doesn’t mean those blessings I am seeking will go away it simply means they work according to G-d’s timing, not mine. Which brings me to tell you the two areas I am being most challenged in: patience and trust. Patience = worth and trust = believe. G-d has blessed me with so many miracles through trust and patience that it probably seems ironic I would even bring them up. And even if He hadn’t shown me, I would have to know for the sake of the fact that He is G-d. Miracles can and do happen.
To conclude I feel like telling you that I do not know why I am here, what I am doing or where to go. What I do know though, is that I am here for a reason, that I have potential and light to share and people to connect to. And for all this, I AM GRATEFUL.