Here I write a blog about change and yet I have been seemingly avoiding writing in the most critical time of my numerous changes. Ironic. I know. You see first it started with finals, taking my last exams proving I was worth a college degree. A B.S. in Mechanical Engineering even. That still boggles my mind and my gratitude is immense towards G-d for carrying me through such a challenging major. Then came farewells, see you laters and good byes to my classmates, peers, colleagues, friends and crushes. It is a devastating way to leave and yet there is much grace and beauty to knowing the strength in those strong bonds and the fact that I so often like to say; if we are meant to see that person again, we will. The wonder of technology these days makes this statement more real than ever. So maybe it’ll just be a sweet text or like on facebook but you’ll know they are still there. Doing what they’re doing and as my high school coach always preached they will, “keep on keepin on”. Those first weeks I was still in shock and very much enjoying the break from university stress. I immediately discovered this openness in my heart to love and be loved be those I am surrounded by. I found an ability to see the good. I was no longer blinded by the weight of stress, school and a degree waiting to be achieved. Its like all of a sudden my mind was cleared and I am allowed to see things for how they really are and to truly set and work towards an even healthier lifestyle that I had been wanting. Amazing isn’t it. However those weeks I felt too much. I was beyond elated by the love and light in the world and simultaneously distraught and sad that those relationships had suffered so much. Time had not waited for me to be done with school. Lives marched on. But I am grateful for what I had and what I have. I still feel like the richest woman in the world and my whole life, today, clearly packs into 48 different sized boxes. (I know it sounds like a lot…but it isn’t). The beginning weeks of being a university grad I nearly fell asleep in tears every night because of the overwhelmingness of everything. Of goodbyes and farewells and of “I don’t know when I will see this person again” or worse “or if I will see this person again” (G-d forbid, but I am just being real blunt about the reality I face. Amidst these intense emotions I found myself with tickets abroad heading on a trip that sounded amazing. I didn’t go. For the first time, I had found that for whatever reason their was not a clearly defined purpose to this trip. My friends and family supported me but all I heard was hesitation in their backing. I suppose I was listening for that. As I was not ready for this trip. My heart was not all in, as it should be. I’ve realized that is ok, and I am glad I listened to my heart as a compass. It often leads where I wish to go. Since then I haven’t done anything too crazy or out of the ordinary but being able to spend more time eating lunches with my dad, coffee dates with friends, random tea parties, macaron baking, museum trips and little hikes have been more than enough. Even just sitting in my room and making phone calls trying to set up things for my move have felt like a blessing. Enjoying sabbath dinners and walks with friends or conversations with my mom have felt worthwhile. I have even been battling a throat and nose phenom and yet it feels ok. I feel content and happy. I feel like as my world and my life was packed into boxes today it was “alles ok” or “hacol beseder”. My brother graduated high school and we celebrated as a family and just simply sitting in the living room all together and being all there was and is more than enough. It seems this time and this season is filled with new changes and much uncertainty but I am beginning to realize that it is part of taking a leap of faith and asking for G-d to provide each of the members of my family with the guidance, wisdom, discernment, decisions and preparations for the changes ahead. I am grateful for the 48 boxes of my life but I realize that those crates are simply things and stuff. They are not me nor do they define me. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman learning it is more than ok to just be me and do what works for me. To not worry about what others think or care if someone likes my posts or not. I am beginning to feel the comfort of the skin I have been blessed with and am learning that I see my soul in my smile more and more. I am grateful and happy because as Matthew McConaughey said, “Life’s not fair. It never was, isn’t now and won’t ever be. Do not fall into the entitled trap of feeling like you’re a victim. You are not,”.
And there I was. Simply standing in the middle of my half packed apartment opening, with a slight bit of anxiety, the blackboard app on my phone to find out my final grade on the only class I was still waiting on. As I opened the app and scrolled to the bottom I was happy to see a C grade on the final. After turning in 20+ hours of work and close to 50 pages for this final, I just wanted to know I did enough to pass. Then I checked what my total grade was and its like I couldn’t believe it! I began to laugh and cry simultaneously. It meant I got a good grade. It meant I passed! It meant I am graduating. Dispite all odds and all my doubts, I will be graduating. I can try to explain this feeling that still fills me up when I say that I am going to be graduating from college with a degree in Mechanical Engineering! That G-d carried me and has carried me from the beginning! There was music playing in the background and I couldn’t help but be amazed in the moment.
I feel this joy that is bringing me to such a beautiful laughter and tears which I had not yet experienced before. I can’t believe it. Its unexpected the way I am reacting as I just wanted to graduate. Its been a dream of mine since as long as I can remember. Maybe its the “dropping out of school” I had to do my first semester. Or the fact that I was in an accident and lost all my math. It could be all the days sitting in my apartment where I felt like a failure. I was lost and felt there was no way out. As if I would not pass the test or class. And time and time again, G-d carried me, lifted me up and helped me to do my best. And it has been good enough. More than good enough!
I am elated and grateful! Everything I have worked for the past 5 years and here I am. I am going to graduate college! Dreams can and do come true! Especially with G-d on my side. Or rather I am on His! This is an experience I feel I am embracing and hope to not long forget. Its a good, true and beautiful feeling that is real. It is the sum of an a college roller coaster. The closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. It is letting go and allowing myself to move forward. I am thankful!
Alphabetical order sets the stage for the rivalry of best friends and their favorite colors.
Orange comes before Teal. But Teal is soothing, Orange is loud! Orange is… Teal is…
And the first ever post-off while sharing the screen to complete the post. My guest writer is secretive, quiet and spontaneous! She is curious, observant and encouraging. She likes to speak her mind even if it takes her months to tell me! Hey that’s how she works though. Haha.
We became buds back in the summer over art, kosher”ness”, religion/beliefs as well as ridiculousness. It also helped that we started our internship on the same day. We journeyed through the craziness of CATIA class, mean boys, and struggling to be engineers as well as weird dreams, Perks of Being a Wallflower and other good books! We also baked some of the best pretzels and she makes some super spectacular pancakes! Since going our separate ways we have kept in touch often, skype, facetime and whatnot… we still encourage each other and she definitely helps me with my homework when I am struggling. Well enough about her…on to the competition!
Orange: let me help u
you could write about how orange is superior to teal
let’s start at the very beginning
a very good place to start!
Orange: orange pump
Teal: blue berries (ok sooo maybe those are darker but still in the blue category!)
Teal: emergency call stations (those are blue too!)
Orange: University of Tennessee, Kansas University, Clemson, Texas
Teal (well really at this point I am just going to find them blue schools haha): UNC (more of sky blue), University of Arizona, Samford University, University of California,University of Mississippi,University of Great Falls, University of Nebraska….basically my blue list could go on and on….
*University of Auburn has the colors of both Orange and Blue, therefore, it is neutral and does not provide advantage to either team.
4. Social Media:
Teal: Facebook, twitter, tumbler, Pandora,Wordpress, must I go on…App store…
5. The Ultimate Challenge….
# of hastags:
So my friend, what do you have left to say about yours truly, ORANGE?
It seems to me that I have a more intimate connection with my color than you do, TEAL.
So it may seem, however, I’ll have you know, during my first internship, I became deemed as “vanilla mint” as my psuedorap name. Any comments on my relationship with Teal, Orange?
I’ll let the instagram #s speak for themselves.
This week has been filled with so many ups and downs – it has been quite a roller coaster to say the least.
However it has been wonderful! I am so grateful to have friends, to have jewish friends, to not feel alone and to go on fun adventures (sometimes, late into the night). I have just been happy and joyful in what I have and what I have been able to do. I am thankful for the laughter and rediculousness of these friend gatherings. Whether for PURIM the other day and giggling like little girls with two friends I hadn’t seen in a long time! To feel inspired the following day by having insightful and challenging discussions with two friends who I have been growing with, even if we are all on different pages going in the same direction. Its beautiful and wonderful and my soul feels such joy in this! Then the ridiculousness of going to support a friend in a show at Disneyland. Forgetting the tickets, traffic and all! haha Then late night breakfast shananigans and being too tired to care. To have friends who pay for our adventures and do it out of pure kindness (at least from what I can see). I just feel beyond blessed by these experiences. To let go of the stress and concerns related to school, even if you can’t do that all the time. To go on adventures and have fun and connect with others, is beautiful and wonderful and oh how I have missed it!!!
Here’s to more joy, celebration and good things G-d willing 🙂
My oh my, has this month been such a joyous, nerve wrecking and crazy month. And its only March 6 haha.
I just received an email I have been waiting for since 2am haha. Basically I auditioned to be a speaker at this important ceremony. The audition went well despite my nerves and few times I tripped over my words. I felt like I did my best. As I really wanted to know the decision and of course, I have been hoping to have been selected.
Let’s flashback to the end of July 2014. I was sick, heartbroken and struggling. I didn’t want my internship to finish and I didn’t want to go back to school. I didn’t want to move back to CA and I didn’t want to be back to feeling “stuck” like I have always felt while being here. That specific day I drove to a nearby park instead of driving to my apartment. In the heat of the sun, I just sat there and bawled. I cried so hard and was in such pain.
SO, why am I telling you all this…
That evening when I finally calmed down enough to breathe again and to put on a fake smile for the roomate. I ended up having a friend over for dinner and her positive energy helped especially when she cracked some jokes which made me laugh. When I got ready for bed though, I found myself lost in my depressing thoughts again and found myself crying hard, again. This time though I ended up opening up a notetab on my phone and began to write. I wrote all my thoughts based on one of the things I wanted so bad on this particular day, graduation. Right then and there, I wrote a graduation speech.
Now you’re up to speed a bit more. You understand I’ve wanted this for a long time and was really hoping to be selected. Yet the past 24 hours as I knew the selected name would be released, I became curious and longing. I found myself really wanting it yet also feeling like maybe I was trying to convince myself that it was good enough. Yet from the beginning that I knew it would be a stretch for them to select me. Nonetheless I dreamed of it.
Anyways, I found out just a bit ago who they decided on and I feel fine about it. Maybe because I knew that they probably wouldn’t pick me. I am disappointed sure, but not really surprised. However, I know that my speech is great and does express my experience and feelings. I know that I did my best and that my best was good enough to bring glory to G-d. I know that G-d has something else in store instead. I feel grateful to have tried. To have no regrets about it and to just feel grateful to be in this point in my life.
Where do I go from here?
I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what G-d has in store, plan a little less, allow and welcome.
To wrap up, isn’t it funny how something we want so badly at one time might not be what we get. Isn’t it funny that even if we don’t get it, we are ok. Isn’t it funny that maybe we realize there are bigger fish to fry. It’s taken me 5 years to realize this. As I was a senior in high school, I lost and I lost bad in a competition which I had been the leader in since my sophomore year. Talk about disappointment. Yet, G-d had other plans. Turned out that because I didn’t win, that is why I ended up being recruited by the cross country team at the University I chose to attend, the one in which I still attend. Recruited to run for a school I never once crossed the finish line in their jersey. To attend a Baptist University that I have been the only Jew for so long. Yet, I found out last week there are two more!
I am blown away by G-d’s finely detailed plan for everything to work out for the best. AND for that, I am grateful!
Hope your weeks have been as inspired and love-filled as mine. I have been continually finding new meanings and sights of love. Today I want to share such a powerful experience with you that truly touched my heart. I ran a 5k this morning that included “challenged” athletes such as those in wheelchairs, armcycles, amputees, etc…
I am really thankful to first off, be able to share that I won the female category…yes me! TBI, ripped soleius, broken face….all those days and years of pain and here I was able to run, and thank G-d even run fast! Back to the main story here. When the race had started, I quickly caught up to some of the challenged athletes as they start a bit ahead of everyone else, so that no one gets hurt. I tried to cheer everyone I passed along the way.
Then I looked up and saw something amazing! There was a petite but rather strong young woman pushing an older man in his wheelchair. She pushed him the whole race through. When I watched her stride to the finish I felt impressed, amazed and overcome. It was so beautiful. I couldn’t tell if they were related, she was a care giver, therapist or friend. Maybe that made it even more out-of-the ordinary. I recall thinking she must be one strong lady!
Later another woman was finishing and we were cheering her on and my mom commented, “when you can’t run with your legs anymore, you run with your heart”. I am tearing up as I write this. It was just such an emotionally beautiful day. Seems I can’t help but tear up as I cross the finish line and when I watch athletes of all ages, abilities and walks of life “compete” in the “race” or competition, I often find myself emotional. I find myself caught up in the glory of the moment. The fact that time stands still. That racers will high five and cheer complete strangers for the sake of sportsmanship. The running community is unique and a clique of its own. Today, though, I was reminded of the reason I choose to run when I am healthy enough and able. It is for those who can’t. That is literally what that woman was doing today for that gentleman in the wheelchair. I am grateful to have been able to witness such compassion, strength, courage, humility and love! Oh, how powerful it was! It is!
The biggest race we are face is that of life each day and once upon a time, I recall reading the latest Runner’s World magazine which highlighted “the human race”. This is the competition we must wake to and rise to the starting line. Whether that be the start of high school, college, a job, marriage, parenthood, etc…it is the beginning to something bigger than yourself. It is a race that will lead you through twists and turns, hills and vallleys. The journey of this race is what it seems to be about. Compassion, love and the simplest of signs of kindness, will not go unnoticed. And, in my mind, will be what changes the world and makes each individuals race just as important.
Thank you to the young woman in pink today who inspired me and cared for the man she pushed through a full 5k, all while running. Thank you for showing me the power of compassion and love. I hope that I can take that sight and transpose it into my daily actions to be even the slightest bit more kind to those who I interact with.
Well hello there!
It has been quite a crazy week. Waking up Valentine’s day with a cold so bad all I felt like doing was laying in bed and reading periodically getting up for food. Thank G-d, the cold seems to be gone now. Regardless, it has been such a crazy week. I really have no clue how I took like two more difficult classes than I am taking currently last semester. I have had much running around to do as graduation gets closer and closer and a billion and one things to do in between haha.
I have a test today, which I have tried studiying for and yet still feel unsure if I am or am not prepared. I guess I will just worry about it when I get the test. At least I have been able to find some focus and time to study in the past day and a half. I have a big exam that I must pass in order to graduate and that is coming up just as quickly. Then next week another class is having an exam. Meanwhile, I have a project and assignment for yet, another class that is also due around the same time. Talk about life. Happening!! I am grateful though!
In terms of love, for this week I have pondered many different areas of love and which to choose to write about. As of right now I am choosing to write on the subject of self love. See I think you must love yourself first before you can love anyone else. You must know your worth and value and sometimes taking a step and seeing yourself as others see you. If someone has ever told you, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are strong…etc… maybe even though you have yet to discover, maybe by some chance its true! I have been on this journey of self-love for quite some time. Especially after my accident, I struggled to love my new face or my new life. Not that everything is grand, but I have learned to accept and love who I am today, not who I was yesterday and not who I will be tomorrow. But for who I am today!
There is something beautiful in that. It helps you to realize you are a work in progress. Its makes you grateful for who you are and to accept it. I think there is nothing more truly breathtaking and beautiful than to come in contact with someone so vulnerable to be willing to be true to themselves. They are not trying to gain friends, popularity or anything of the sort. Genuinely just being who they are. Its wonderful!
I have been working on this. I have been progressing towards being a more beautiful person on the inside and letting it shine forth on the outside. Maybe I wear silly outfits according to some people’s fashion sense. Maybe I am innocent and kind and compassionate, because that is who I am. Maybe I sometimes fail, and can be critical, harsh, and frustrated. At least I am accepting who I am and not trying to hide it. I am being me because there is no one I would rather be. G-d made me exactly the way I am supposed to be and He continues to help me grow.
Therefore loving and caring for yourself is just as important, if not more important than loving another. You must first be selfish in order to be selfless. AND there is nothing wrong or sinful about it. In addition, be true to you. There’s the phrase “you do you” and I think that it was what we all need to remember sometimes. BE YOU!
I know this area of love, is not one of the first that pops into my mind when I think of love. However as I write this, I am reminded just how essential loving myself is in order to allow myself to have healthy relationships/friendships/encounters with others. So here’s to me and here’s to you!