Technically its now the day after but I woke up late…
I’m talking 4:30pm and then hurriedly got ready to go to a thanksgiving dinner at a friends families house. And you know what. It was exactly what I needed. The conversations were not light and in fact very detailed, raw, and most importantly, real! I left feeling like I am not alone. In fact I am far from it. Everything that has happened in my life happened for a reason. The choices I have made are because they are what is right for me. They are not what is necessarily popular or liked but they are true. At least in my life. This other young woman and I at the table realized it is so difficult to make friends out here. In fact she made a comment that I felt the exact same way about. Our work environment has a certain culture and here both of us are trying to fit into it. It’s that question of how do people make friends when they move somewhere? The answer is still in the works haha… but other conversations led to modesty, religion, how some people can be closed minded and more. But you know what, I left dinner feeling alive. Not necessarily happier or more sad. I felt more than ok. I felt hopeful. Hopeful because people are in much worse pain everywhere and rarely do we speak of it. Hopeful because we all individually think we are unique or different and yet we strive to fit in. Hopeful because we are not alone whether we are in a room of hundreds of people or simply sitting on our couch by ourselves. Hopeful because we are more than the sum of our mistakes, frustrations, jealousy, efforts, love, friendships. Hopeful because we are more than what we are dealing with and facing today. Hopeful because this is all just part of life. And hopeful because our American lineage taught us that if we are unhappy with the way things are currently, we can change them…aka moving to a new land and pioneering the way of the west. Fighting battles among our past (aka Britain) as well as ourselves (aka civil war) and even among our future (aka Election 2016). We are Americans and we are dang proud of it because we did what was once unpopular, strange and different to become the Nation we are today.
I’m grateful. Grateful for the way this blog has changed and documented much of my life the past two years. Grateful for the way it has helped and still does help me to embrace change and not feel alone. Grateful because although sometimes my life story sounds like a tragedy, hopeless, and like I’m a victim. I am not. My story is not done…
My life today is filled with hope, aspirations, dreams, love, and feeling alive. My life is much more than I can even comprehend. My life and my story are still unwritten and the pain and anger from the past are just that — in the past. My life presently is ever changing and moving. I forgive the past for the pain it has brought me. Now, its time for me to move forward. To new joys and happiness. Its time to be present. There is no better time. So this will be my last post because as much as I love sharing and opening myself up to ya’ll. Its time to be right here, right now. To embrace the present. Happy thanksgiving ya’ll!
Today I am grateful for spontaneity. So…last night I didn’t fall asleep until sometime after 3am, that tends to happen after binge watching Netflix tv shows where they consistently run on and on. Once I fell asleep it was great as I really needed to sleep, I’ve been exhausted. Yet I also am not a huge fan of sleeping. I feel like its a waste of time when in reality it is totally what I need to keep going…almost as if I’m an energizer bunny. Well I woke up at nearly 1pm…that has not happened in such a long time. With the sun filling my room through the cracks of the window shade I felt it was game time decision making. After bouncing back and forth with whether or not to go to an activity that a friend had invited me to, I decided why not. Why not go to try something new with people who want me there. With people who are trying to be friends with me and people who are inviting me. Its like I have no reason to complain if I do not go to this event, because I had the opportunity to. So I went. And you know what? I enjoyed it, even just a little bit. I laughed, even just a little bit. And the most random part was that while at the park with one of my friends who was part of the group, she saw a bus with the Impractical Joker guys from the TV show, she went over and sure enough the guys came out. We even got a selfie with them! It was so silly and random and now I see that these types of situations really do happen in my friends life, sometimes I guess I thought that how could such things happen to her. Now I understand. She tries new things. She lives in the moment and is very spontaneous. She is not even the one who invited me to the event but she came too. So heres to building friendships, making memories, trying new things and living spontaneously! And thanks to my friend for inviting me, she has been very patient with me not being sure. I am grateful for getting to know her better too.
today I’m thankful. To some degree I felt like I was back to the beginning of moving here. It was a strange feeling. Yet today walking in the crunching leaves of fall colors I felt a weird mix of happy and sad. for life to feel so new and yet the sme. Yet there was as the difference between now and before is all that has and hasn’t happened. It’s new and uncertain and I’m trusting that this is all part of G-d’s plan.
wow day 6 and I’m already off track and forgetting to post! Yesterday I was exceptionally grateful for being selfish. Taking care of myself and doing what I needed to do for me. It’s definitely new for me but I am learning if you want to be able to love others, you must first love yourself. Which means, sometimes spending time by yourself and living out the “you do you” mentality.
today I’m grateful to be able to write. There is something unique and special to get your thoughts out of your mind and onto paper even if it’s virtual. For me it’s like magic when I write as I can refine and edit and formulate sentences and structure the flow as I think. A few people have told me I speak in a stream of consciousness and I feel like probably write that way as well. Anyhow I have realized writing does expressing myself way better than speaking. In fact, I am now more and more curious how and why I even try to speak. I do so much better with my thoughts turned into words. I guess that leads into words and the value of using the right and or wrong words. Were the words for a constructive purpose or were they used to destroy. It’s incredible when you try to stop using even one words, example “just”, you suddenly notice you use this just about everywhere! Crazy isn’t it?! Ultimately speech is probably one of our most powerful tools and yet so many waste it away. Excuses and complaints are words at the end of the day. If only each of us used words of kindness, words of love and words of uplift and encouragement what a beautiful world we would live in. So maybe it’s not exactly like that today but I am going to try and say at least one kind thing to someone each day even strangers. It can turn their day around. So here’s to words and writing and spreading love!
today I’m grateful for a job. Last year at this time I was confused what I wanted to do after I graduated and yet here I am, now employed for a great company. In theory I have a great job. Yet I have been so bored for like the past month as I haven’t had much work. I keep asking my managers for work and I get little assignments. I’d like to take more initiative but I’m not even sure how. It’s made me wonder why the heck am I even here. Why did I move across the country and why I am not getting work today. I was made for more. I am smarter than this. I feel like my job makes school look like it was more enjoyable because it was harder. It really makes no sense. However despite all these frustrations, I am grateful to be where I wanted to go. I’m grateful to be able to afford an apartment that can and is so often filled with so much light, thank G-d! I’m thankful for the opportunity to have gone to visit my family because of my job sending me that way. I’m grateful for a way to learn many new things, meet new people and go to new places. It’s definitely interesting. Life is pretty funny that sometimes something we want so much ends up not really being what we want. I’m grateful though. It’s an opportunity to live as an example — I’m still trying to figure that out but still! I’m thankful to be working towards a purposeful cause. Somewhere along the way it got a little covered up and confused. I know that this is part of something bigger. For whatever reason, for now, I’m not supposed to have a lot of work. It’s a frustrating concept for me to understand. I’m grateful though for there still are sparks of feeling as though this is where I am meant to be. Here’s to working and a job, thank G-d for leading me here!
Today I am grateful for clay. Sounds pretty silly or even abstract, I ask that you just roll with me on this idea. Last night I went to my first ever pottery class. What first started as boring introductions and waiting around, quickly became a hands on experience. My thoughts were quite wandering in the beginning and by the end so focused on what I was doing and how to shape the clay into a pitcher of some sort. As I left class and headed home I was excited and grateful for trying something new. It is definitely going to be challenging, I can already tell. However it is filled with opportunity and room to grow and learn and improve. It made me think of how as humans, we are like clay in G-d’s hands. After last nights class I feel like understand this better. If we allow ourselves to be shaped and led by G-d He will mold us into a vessel. When we are amidst trials and challenges He is sculpting and directing us towards our potential. At the peak when we can go no further, He picks us up and puts us in the kiln. In the fire, we are being refined because as we come out, after being cooled, we are more beautiful than before. Then as an empty vessel made in the image of G-d’s handiwork, He will fill you up–if you let Him. And then you’ll have become a vessel of light filled with HaShem (G-d) and be able to fill other vessels, people, with loving kindness, knowledge and light! All this from clay, something earth based and transformed into quite elaborate and beautiful vessels. So here’s to clay and allowing G-d to mold us according to His will!