Today I am thankful for California. I am grateful for the experiences I had growing up there and for the opportunities that have led me all over the world. I’m grateful for my family and friends that live there and for being able to have visited with many of them this past weekend. It’s crazy but I left and G-d seemed to answer my prayer for a community. Thank G-d though, as I still was able to connect into the community and learn and grow before I left and even coming back. It’s so beautiful to see that it has grown, probably doubled in size and has many beautiful people together! I am grateful for the sights and understanding that can be gained in hiking the mountains and the peace and calming effects of the harbor and beach. I’m thankful for the conversations and the opportunities which surround California and the life I lived growing up and even since leaving. I’m grateful for being able to go back and to be much more appreciative of being there. Being back in California seemed to be the biggest blessing as it allowed me to step away from such intense change and emotions. G-d allowed me to see clearly and embrace my place better it seems. I’m grateful for California because I am not sure where I am headed but I know where I am from. For all this and more, today especially I am thankful for California and all the opportunities and blessings G-d granted me through growing up there.
Today I’m grateful for happiness. Lately I have not been happy. In fact, I have been waking up or throughout the day simply breaking down into tears. It’s not fun and last week when this first began I realized I was ready for change. I recognized the need to adjust how I am currently living to be happy and content through G-d and in my relationship with Him. As ultimately this is what is the most important element to life. If G-d becomes my priority I believe that I can be unstoppable. Not because of anything that I do but all because of everything that G-d does! It’s ironic how in the lowest and darkest of times when you give up or are finally ready to release the reins then G-d steps in and pulls circumstances according to the way He wishes and ultimately it is all for good and all out of love. I’m thankful for happiness because with G-d filling me I like to believe that I can be happy and I can be a vessel for light. I’m grateful for happiness because it is a journey not a destination and it is a choice everyday, even every second. I may not feel overjoyous right this moment but even simply writing my thoughts out, I feel as though I am getting closer and that maybe even in this smile i am experiencing , maybe there is hope. Hope and love that I can and will be happy. That I am not a victim of my fate but I can chase after the life I wish to live. I seem dumbfounded about what exactly that means to me. But I am on the journey and now even more so I feel strength through G-d to be capable of embracing all the love and blessings, challenges and newness because He is with me. I feel humbled and appreciative before G-d as I have reached a point of no longer sure what to do or where to go. I have hit what somewhat feels like rock bottom. I’m grateful though because it’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok and it is often even more so in these times that G-d steps in, takes control of the reins for your life, if you let Him and He leads you to the most beautiful and filled with love experiences you have yet to experience. He carries you when your feet are tired and you feel like you can go no further. It seems if I stop trying to make things go my way, I will be allowing G-d to take me where I need to go. I am grateful for happiness because I feel this is part of the journey and I am grateful to be smiling even as k write this! Thank you G-d for happiness 🙂
This morning I once again woke up in tears. As I struggled to pray, get dressed and get out the door, somehow, thank G-d I did. I made it downtown to have coffee with a friend. A friendship that used to be so close. Today we started again, it was different but still enjoyable and fun. I left started to drive, not fully sure where to turn next and ended up at a park on my new city adventure list. I didn’t even park. I ended up deciding on a place to eat lunch, crank out my laptop and get some work done. Lots of reading! I feel much more accomplished. I am still trying to figure this out but I am thinking of making a to-do by end of year list. Like a bucket list for the next two months. I feel it could be a fun opportunity and challenge to do new things or hard things which maybe I have been avoiding. Either way, I hope it leads to more adventures, positive growth and enjoyable changes.
Its me. I know I haven’t written since before moving but I have been struggling with change. Ironic right? Here I write a blog about embracing change and when I started to make all these changes instead of writing out my thoughts I started to let them ruminate and build up and burst like bubbles. Talk about struggle haha. Let me start back at the beginning:
A little more than 4 months ago I moved to a new state and with that, started: a new job, to keep shabbat, a kosher home and new friends. I should be more than stoked, I’m living the dream…right??? I would like to preface all this by saying I am grateful! I am grateful for the experiences, the challenges, the learning, the growing, the laughter, the tears and every single bit of it. But that still doesn’t make embracing the changes any easier. To some degree it makes them more purposeful…or that is the way I would like to think. Except it still brings me back to right here, right now as I even attempt to write a post (seems I’ve forgotten that too). I don’t know. What I do know is that my whole life I have been dreaming and working towards my life right now to be the way it is, and thank G-d the way He has led me. However, I didn’t dream for what to do once I got here. This probably sounds crazy and hey maybe I am a bit crazy…but I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Last weekend I ran a marathon! It still feels unreal and my body still aches from it. It was incredible and challenging but also so much fun. I enjoyed almost all of it. Though mile 17 I definitely hit a wall that I felt like I was questioning how to make it to the finish. Thank G-d for carrying me so much so, that the last mile I ran probably faster than most of the other miles…I was like sprinting to the finish! Thank G-d!!! It was quite an experience. Yet the crazy part is once you cross the finish line its like sweet I can walk again and the moment you begin to walk its like owwh, can I go back to running? Its all about the momentum I guess. Thats a simple law of physics. “An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Crazy that here I have been dreaming of finishing school and graduating and now I am right back to thinking of formulas, theories and concepts which I learned. Life sure is funny that way…isn’t it?
After the marathon I realized I didn’t know what was next…which is an ok situation but for me I need goals to work towards. So here is where I stand. Not sure where to go or which path to follow. This is NOT the first time for me and interestingly it was around this time last year that I was really confused about what to do after graduation. Here I am in the land which G-d has led me and I am still feeling lost. That does not mean I am not supposed to be here nor am I sure what that means, but that’s ok. I’m here. So I began to explore ideas and decided a few goals to start working towards, both are more long term but I think it’s good. As for short term, I am still working out the details. I think to start my goal is to learn to make at least one cool item in pottery class which I’ll be starting soon. Maybe I’ll bring back writing on here more often but I am not too sure. I am kind of laughing because my mother would probably read over this whole post and say, you know you’ve got to stop saying I don’t know…what do you know? I am grateful she calls me out like that and helps me to grow and improve.
Again I will go back to telling you what I do know. I know that the community I live in is big, filled with diverse personalities, great food and currently beautiful fall air. With fall I know change is in the air and can see it on the trees. I know that I live in a beautiful and bright apartment that has so much potential for light and wonderful opportunities as it has already shown to be the case. I know that I like to laugh. Walking clears my head. Long boarding focuses my energy. Learning to code is surprisingly easy and making more sense now versus when I tried to learn it in school. Ideas and crazy conversations are worth having. Letting go of control is hard but worthwhile. It means trusting G-d has a bigger and better plan than all the worries in my head today. It doesn’t mean those blessings I am seeking will go away it simply means they work according to G-d’s timing, not mine. Which brings me to tell you the two areas I am being most challenged in: patience and trust. Patience = worth and trust = believe. G-d has blessed me with so many miracles through trust and patience that it probably seems ironic I would even bring them up. And even if He hadn’t shown me, I would have to know for the sake of the fact that He is G-d. Miracles can and do happen.
To conclude I feel like telling you that I do not know why I am here, what I am doing or where to go. What I do know though, is that I am here for a reason, that I have potential and light to share and people to connect to. And for all this, I AM GRATEFUL.
Here I write a blog about change and yet I have been seemingly avoiding writing in the most critical time of my numerous changes. Ironic. I know. You see first it started with finals, taking my last exams proving I was worth a college degree. A B.S. in Mechanical Engineering even. That still boggles my mind and my gratitude is immense towards G-d for carrying me through such a challenging major. Then came farewells, see you laters and good byes to my classmates, peers, colleagues, friends and crushes. It is a devastating way to leave and yet there is much grace and beauty to knowing the strength in those strong bonds and the fact that I so often like to say; if we are meant to see that person again, we will. The wonder of technology these days makes this statement more real than ever. So maybe it’ll just be a sweet text or like on facebook but you’ll know they are still there. Doing what they’re doing and as my high school coach always preached they will, “keep on keepin on”. Those first weeks I was still in shock and very much enjoying the break from university stress. I immediately discovered this openness in my heart to love and be loved be those I am surrounded by. I found an ability to see the good. I was no longer blinded by the weight of stress, school and a degree waiting to be achieved. Its like all of a sudden my mind was cleared and I am allowed to see things for how they really are and to truly set and work towards an even healthier lifestyle that I had been wanting. Amazing isn’t it. However those weeks I felt too much. I was beyond elated by the love and light in the world and simultaneously distraught and sad that those relationships had suffered so much. Time had not waited for me to be done with school. Lives marched on. But I am grateful for what I had and what I have. I still feel like the richest woman in the world and my whole life, today, clearly packs into 48 different sized boxes. (I know it sounds like a lot…but it isn’t). The beginning weeks of being a university grad I nearly fell asleep in tears every night because of the overwhelmingness of everything. Of goodbyes and farewells and of “I don’t know when I will see this person again” or worse “or if I will see this person again” (G-d forbid, but I am just being real blunt about the reality I face. Amidst these intense emotions I found myself with tickets abroad heading on a trip that sounded amazing. I didn’t go. For the first time, I had found that for whatever reason their was not a clearly defined purpose to this trip. My friends and family supported me but all I heard was hesitation in their backing. I suppose I was listening for that. As I was not ready for this trip. My heart was not all in, as it should be. I’ve realized that is ok, and I am glad I listened to my heart as a compass. It often leads where I wish to go. Since then I haven’t done anything too crazy or out of the ordinary but being able to spend more time eating lunches with my dad, coffee dates with friends, random tea parties, macaron baking, museum trips and little hikes have been more than enough. Even just sitting in my room and making phone calls trying to set up things for my move have felt like a blessing. Enjoying sabbath dinners and walks with friends or conversations with my mom have felt worthwhile. I have even been battling a throat and nose phenom and yet it feels ok. I feel content and happy. I feel like as my world and my life was packed into boxes today it was “alles ok” or “hacol beseder”. My brother graduated high school and we celebrated as a family and just simply sitting in the living room all together and being all there was and is more than enough. It seems this time and this season is filled with new changes and much uncertainty but I am beginning to realize that it is part of taking a leap of faith and asking for G-d to provide each of the members of my family with the guidance, wisdom, discernment, decisions and preparations for the changes ahead. I am grateful for the 48 boxes of my life but I realize that those crates are simply things and stuff. They are not me nor do they define me. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman learning it is more than ok to just be me and do what works for me. To not worry about what others think or care if someone likes my posts or not. I am beginning to feel the comfort of the skin I have been blessed with and am learning that I see my soul in my smile more and more. I am grateful and happy because as Matthew McConaughey said, “Life’s not fair. It never was, isn’t now and won’t ever be. Do not fall into the entitled trap of feeling like you’re a victim. You are not,”.
Enough about finals and school. As per my last too posts I’m about to take you on a ride to totally rock your world as it did mine. The past few days I have been spending time with my Bubie, my grandmother on my mothers side. When I initially decided to come visit her it was sitting in the bathroom in the middle of northern Israel and I was on the verge of tears. This was a few months ago and here I was getting to see my Bubie. Yet she had just fallen and didn’t seem to be doing too well. It hit me hard when I was helping her undress and get ready for bed. First off I am glad I was there and able to help. It just was hard because I felt rushed with emotions because I’ve never had to do this with her before and she’s always been so strong especially when my grandfather was alive, may his memory be a blessing.
Anyway, back to the story of now. The past few days have suprised me of the conversations we have and what initially started just as listening has really seemed to turn into conversation and now I’m opening up and it’s such a beautiful experience. It’s unique and special and I feel as though I am becoming best friends with my grandma. I’ve been very teary eyed today and I think a rush of emotions from making a decision for me and to really listening, taking notes and hearing meaningful stories of my bubies life. It’s amazing and thank G-d for the wonderful life she lives and for app the stories she shares and how we connect on finding and maintaining our strong Jewish identity. It’s a wonder to me how back in November I struggled to be around my grandmother and she frustrated me.
Yet I’ve changed. I sometimes feel more go with the flow. I am trying to pay attention, embrace and enjoy. I’m trying to get to know the people that I know and love and care about but really on a truly deeper level. I also am trying to form healthy bonds and relationships with people and part of that is accepting and loving them for being human, this includes all imperfections. It’s amazing this capacity to love I feel. I haven’t talked a ton to my friends or even to my parents but rather I’ve spent time reading and or being with the people I’m around. It’s such a blessing from G-d!!! I feel the light and the connection with people I care about seemed to burn or shine brighter in my heart. I am happy and in love with people I love and care about. I am so grateful to G-d for this chance to stay with and connect with my Bubie. This gift contains stories of relatives from past, present and sometimes even future. It includes stories of dreams, aspiration, competition, love and going after what you want and not what others want for you. It’s about dealing with the card life throws at you. It’s about all sorts of books especially regarding wisdom and faith and potential that are bringing me and my Bubie together and forming a bond I never would have expected. Getting to know her is like getting to know some of my story. She set the bar high and I hadn’t even known about it. I followed her path into a make dominated field of work and trying to live my purpose which hopefully is made up of many little current purposes as hers seems to be. Wow. Overhelming and blessed. I’m grateful for G-d for this time and my grandmother and her position influence on my life more than I realize and have elaborated here. I’m grateful! Baruch HaShem (blessed be G-d)!!!!
And there I was. Simply standing in the middle of my half packed apartment opening, with a slight bit of anxiety, the blackboard app on my phone to find out my final grade on the only class I was still waiting on. As I opened the app and scrolled to the bottom I was happy to see a C grade on the final. After turning in 20+ hours of work and close to 50 pages for this final, I just wanted to know I did enough to pass. Then I checked what my total grade was and its like I couldn’t believe it! I began to laugh and cry simultaneously. It meant I got a good grade. It meant I passed! It meant I am graduating. Dispite all odds and all my doubts, I will be graduating. I can try to explain this feeling that still fills me up when I say that I am going to be graduating from college with a degree in Mechanical Engineering! That G-d carried me and has carried me from the beginning! There was music playing in the background and I couldn’t help but be amazed in the moment.
I feel this joy that is bringing me to such a beautiful laughter and tears which I had not yet experienced before. I can’t believe it. Its unexpected the way I am reacting as I just wanted to graduate. Its been a dream of mine since as long as I can remember. Maybe its the “dropping out of school” I had to do my first semester. Or the fact that I was in an accident and lost all my math. It could be all the days sitting in my apartment where I felt like a failure. I was lost and felt there was no way out. As if I would not pass the test or class. And time and time again, G-d carried me, lifted me up and helped me to do my best. And it has been good enough. More than good enough!
I am elated and grateful! Everything I have worked for the past 5 years and here I am. I am going to graduate college! Dreams can and do come true! Especially with G-d on my side. Or rather I am on His! This is an experience I feel I am embracing and hope to not long forget. Its a good, true and beautiful feeling that is real. It is the sum of an a college roller coaster. The closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. It is letting go and allowing myself to move forward. I am thankful!