Here I write a blog about change and yet I have been seemingly avoiding writing in the most critical time of my numerous changes. Ironic. I know. You see first it started with finals, taking my last exams proving I was worth a college degree. A B.S. in Mechanical Engineering even. That still boggles my mind and my gratitude is immense towards G-d for carrying me through such a challenging major. Then came farewells, see you laters and good byes to my classmates, peers, colleagues, friends and crushes. It is a devastating way to leave and yet there is much grace and beauty to knowing the strength in those strong bonds and the fact that I so often like to say; if we are meant to see that person again, we will. The wonder of technology these days makes this statement more real than ever. So maybe it’ll just be a sweet text or like on facebook but you’ll know they are still there. Doing what they’re doing and as my high school coach always preached they will, “keep on keepin on”. Those first weeks I was still in shock and very much enjoying the break from university stress. I immediately discovered this openness in my heart to love and be loved be those I am surrounded by. I found an ability to see the good. I was no longer blinded by the weight of stress, school and a degree waiting to be achieved. Its like all of a sudden my mind was cleared and I am allowed to see things for how they really are and to truly set and work towards an even healthier lifestyle that I had been wanting. Amazing isn’t it. However those weeks I felt too much. I was beyond elated by the love and light in the world and simultaneously distraught and sad that those relationships had suffered so much. Time had not waited for me to be done with school. Lives marched on. But I am grateful for what I had and what I have. I still feel like the richest woman in the world and my whole life, today, clearly packs into 48 different sized boxes. (I know it sounds like a lot…but it isn’t). The beginning weeks of being a university grad I nearly fell asleep in tears every night because of the overwhelmingness of everything. Of goodbyes and farewells and of “I don’t know when I will see this person again” or worse “or if I will see this person again” (G-d forbid, but I am just being real blunt about the reality I face. Amidst these intense emotions I found myself with tickets abroad heading on a trip that sounded amazing. I didn’t go. For the first time, I had found that for whatever reason their was not a clearly defined purpose to this trip. My friends and family supported me but all I heard was hesitation in their backing. I suppose I was listening for that. As I was not ready for this trip. My heart was not all in, as it should be. I’ve realized that is ok, and I am glad I listened to my heart as a compass. It often leads where I wish to go. Since then I haven’t done anything too crazy or out of the ordinary but being able to spend more time eating lunches with my dad, coffee dates with friends, random tea parties, macaron baking, museum trips and little hikes have been more than enough. Even just sitting in my room and making phone calls trying to set up things for my move have felt like a blessing. Enjoying sabbath dinners and walks with friends or conversations with my mom have felt worthwhile. I have even been battling a throat and nose phenom and yet it feels ok. I feel content and happy. I feel like as my world and my life was packed into boxes today it was “alles ok” or “hacol beseder”. My brother graduated high school and we celebrated as a family and just simply sitting in the living room all together and being all there was and is more than enough. It seems this time and this season is filled with new changes and much uncertainty but I am beginning to realize that it is part of taking a leap of faith and asking for G-d to provide each of the members of my family with the guidance, wisdom, discernment, decisions and preparations for the changes ahead. I am grateful for the 48 boxes of my life but I realize that those crates are simply things and stuff. They are not me nor do they define me. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman learning it is more than ok to just be me and do what works for me. To not worry about what others think or care if someone likes my posts or not. I am beginning to feel the comfort of the skin I have been blessed with and am learning that I see my soul in my smile more and more. I am grateful and happy because as Matthew McConaughey said, “Life’s not fair. It never was, isn’t now and won’t ever be. Do not fall into the entitled trap of feeling like you’re a victim. You are not,”.
And there I was. Simply standing in the middle of my half packed apartment opening, with a slight bit of anxiety, the blackboard app on my phone to find out my final grade on the only class I was still waiting on. As I opened the app and scrolled to the bottom I was happy to see a C grade on the final. After turning in 20+ hours of work and close to 50 pages for this final, I just wanted to know I did enough to pass. Then I checked what my total grade was and its like I couldn’t believe it! I began to laugh and cry simultaneously. It meant I got a good grade. It meant I passed! It meant I am graduating. Dispite all odds and all my doubts, I will be graduating. I can try to explain this feeling that still fills me up when I say that I am going to be graduating from college with a degree in Mechanical Engineering! That G-d carried me and has carried me from the beginning! There was music playing in the background and I couldn’t help but be amazed in the moment.
I feel this joy that is bringing me to such a beautiful laughter and tears which I had not yet experienced before. I can’t believe it. Its unexpected the way I am reacting as I just wanted to graduate. Its been a dream of mine since as long as I can remember. Maybe its the “dropping out of school” I had to do my first semester. Or the fact that I was in an accident and lost all my math. It could be all the days sitting in my apartment where I felt like a failure. I was lost and felt there was no way out. As if I would not pass the test or class. And time and time again, G-d carried me, lifted me up and helped me to do my best. And it has been good enough. More than good enough!
I am elated and grateful! Everything I have worked for the past 5 years and here I am. I am going to graduate college! Dreams can and do come true! Especially with G-d on my side. Or rather I am on His! This is an experience I feel I am embracing and hope to not long forget. Its a good, true and beautiful feeling that is real. It is the sum of an a college roller coaster. The closing of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. It is letting go and allowing myself to move forward. I am thankful!
Alphabetical order sets the stage for the rivalry of best friends and their favorite colors.
Orange comes before Teal. But Teal is soothing, Orange is loud! Orange is… Teal is…
And the first ever post-off while sharing the screen to complete the post. My guest writer is secretive, quiet and spontaneous! She is curious, observant and encouraging. She likes to speak her mind even if it takes her months to tell me! Hey that’s how she works though. Haha.
We became buds back in the summer over art, kosher”ness”, religion/beliefs as well as ridiculousness. It also helped that we started our internship on the same day. We journeyed through the craziness of CATIA class, mean boys, and struggling to be engineers as well as weird dreams, Perks of Being a Wallflower and other good books! We also baked some of the best pretzels and she makes some super spectacular pancakes! Since going our separate ways we have kept in touch often, skype, facetime and whatnot… we still encourage each other and she definitely helps me with my homework when I am struggling. Well enough about her…on to the competition!
Orange: let me help u
you could write about how orange is superior to teal
let’s start at the very beginning
a very good place to start!
Orange: orange pump
Teal: blue berries (ok sooo maybe those are darker but still in the blue category!)
Teal: emergency call stations (those are blue too!)
Orange: University of Tennessee, Kansas University, Clemson, Texas
Teal (well really at this point I am just going to find them blue schools haha): UNC (more of sky blue), University of Arizona, Samford University, University of California,University of Mississippi,University of Great Falls, University of Nebraska….basically my blue list could go on and on….
*University of Auburn has the colors of both Orange and Blue, therefore, it is neutral and does not provide advantage to either team.
4. Social Media:
Teal: Facebook, twitter, tumbler, Pandora,Wordpress, must I go on…App store…
5. The Ultimate Challenge….
# of hastags:
So my friend, what do you have left to say about yours truly, ORANGE?
It seems to me that I have a more intimate connection with my color than you do, TEAL.
So it may seem, however, I’ll have you know, during my first internship, I became deemed as “vanilla mint” as my psuedorap name. Any comments on my relationship with Teal, Orange?
I’ll let the instagram #s speak for themselves.
Hope your weeks have been as inspired and love-filled as mine. I have been continually finding new meanings and sights of love. Today I want to share such a powerful experience with you that truly touched my heart. I ran a 5k this morning that included “challenged” athletes such as those in wheelchairs, armcycles, amputees, etc…
I am really thankful to first off, be able to share that I won the female category…yes me! TBI, ripped soleius, broken face….all those days and years of pain and here I was able to run, and thank G-d even run fast! Back to the main story here. When the race had started, I quickly caught up to some of the challenged athletes as they start a bit ahead of everyone else, so that no one gets hurt. I tried to cheer everyone I passed along the way.
Then I looked up and saw something amazing! There was a petite but rather strong young woman pushing an older man in his wheelchair. She pushed him the whole race through. When I watched her stride to the finish I felt impressed, amazed and overcome. It was so beautiful. I couldn’t tell if they were related, she was a care giver, therapist or friend. Maybe that made it even more out-of-the ordinary. I recall thinking she must be one strong lady!
Later another woman was finishing and we were cheering her on and my mom commented, “when you can’t run with your legs anymore, you run with your heart”. I am tearing up as I write this. It was just such an emotionally beautiful day. Seems I can’t help but tear up as I cross the finish line and when I watch athletes of all ages, abilities and walks of life “compete” in the “race” or competition, I often find myself emotional. I find myself caught up in the glory of the moment. The fact that time stands still. That racers will high five and cheer complete strangers for the sake of sportsmanship. The running community is unique and a clique of its own. Today, though, I was reminded of the reason I choose to run when I am healthy enough and able. It is for those who can’t. That is literally what that woman was doing today for that gentleman in the wheelchair. I am grateful to have been able to witness such compassion, strength, courage, humility and love! Oh, how powerful it was! It is!
The biggest race we are face is that of life each day and once upon a time, I recall reading the latest Runner’s World magazine which highlighted “the human race”. This is the competition we must wake to and rise to the starting line. Whether that be the start of high school, college, a job, marriage, parenthood, etc…it is the beginning to something bigger than yourself. It is a race that will lead you through twists and turns, hills and vallleys. The journey of this race is what it seems to be about. Compassion, love and the simplest of signs of kindness, will not go unnoticed. And, in my mind, will be what changes the world and makes each individuals race just as important.
Thank you to the young woman in pink today who inspired me and cared for the man she pushed through a full 5k, all while running. Thank you for showing me the power of compassion and love. I hope that I can take that sight and transpose it into my daily actions to be even the slightest bit more kind to those who I interact with.
Well hello there!
It has been quite a crazy week. Waking up Valentine’s day with a cold so bad all I felt like doing was laying in bed and reading periodically getting up for food. Thank G-d, the cold seems to be gone now. Regardless, it has been such a crazy week. I really have no clue how I took like two more difficult classes than I am taking currently last semester. I have had much running around to do as graduation gets closer and closer and a billion and one things to do in between haha.
I have a test today, which I have tried studiying for and yet still feel unsure if I am or am not prepared. I guess I will just worry about it when I get the test. At least I have been able to find some focus and time to study in the past day and a half. I have a big exam that I must pass in order to graduate and that is coming up just as quickly. Then next week another class is having an exam. Meanwhile, I have a project and assignment for yet, another class that is also due around the same time. Talk about life. Happening!! I am grateful though!
In terms of love, for this week I have pondered many different areas of love and which to choose to write about. As of right now I am choosing to write on the subject of self love. See I think you must love yourself first before you can love anyone else. You must know your worth and value and sometimes taking a step and seeing yourself as others see you. If someone has ever told you, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are strong…etc… maybe even though you have yet to discover, maybe by some chance its true! I have been on this journey of self-love for quite some time. Especially after my accident, I struggled to love my new face or my new life. Not that everything is grand, but I have learned to accept and love who I am today, not who I was yesterday and not who I will be tomorrow. But for who I am today!
There is something beautiful in that. It helps you to realize you are a work in progress. Its makes you grateful for who you are and to accept it. I think there is nothing more truly breathtaking and beautiful than to come in contact with someone so vulnerable to be willing to be true to themselves. They are not trying to gain friends, popularity or anything of the sort. Genuinely just being who they are. Its wonderful!
I have been working on this. I have been progressing towards being a more beautiful person on the inside and letting it shine forth on the outside. Maybe I wear silly outfits according to some people’s fashion sense. Maybe I am innocent and kind and compassionate, because that is who I am. Maybe I sometimes fail, and can be critical, harsh, and frustrated. At least I am accepting who I am and not trying to hide it. I am being me because there is no one I would rather be. G-d made me exactly the way I am supposed to be and He continues to help me grow.
Therefore loving and caring for yourself is just as important, if not more important than loving another. You must first be selfish in order to be selfless. AND there is nothing wrong or sinful about it. In addition, be true to you. There’s the phrase “you do you” and I think that it was what we all need to remember sometimes. BE YOU!
I know this area of love, is not one of the first that pops into my mind when I think of love. However as I write this, I am reminded just how essential loving myself is in order to allow myself to have healthy relationships/friendships/encounters with others. So here’s to me and here’s to you!
I am coming back to you with some more insights on what I have seen this past week and how it relates to the subject of LOVE.
1. Sometimes the people we love the most, who are so close, can also drive us away. Think about teenagers being rebellious against their parents wishes. Our parents love us to much that even when we don’t like them, they still love us. *I know this is not the case in all families, I am just bringing our one perspective which I see and have experienced. Maybe its that you are no longer a teennager, you have packed those rebellion colors away and now are in the transition into adulthood. Once again our parents love us so much that they hate to see us leave, yet, this is the very moment that they have been training and raising us for. Interesting how it is all out of love, yet, our young mind take this as control and we fight it (well some of us do, sometimes haha). Therefore even friends that are close, can also drive us away out of love because they want the best for us, and we sometimes, refuse to allow ourselves the best. Just remember it is all out of love.
2. Random acts of kindness may very well be the greatest acts of love. Yesterday I was at this event with my mom at which a speaker shared her encounters with people who have had near death experiences and she explained the common themes and encounters which he/she went through. It was interesting and the most essential quality I gained more inspiration and insight on, was that which regards kindness, whether random or planned. However, it is easily noticed that when situations of kindness are random it often takes more courage, effort and action. Whereas when you methodically plan out your next move of kindness, it may come across differently. The point is, it has light an inspiration flame burning deep within me to try to go the extra mile, to say the extra hello, to smile at strangers and to go a little out of my way sometimes, if its the right time and help is needed. Maybe the reason people love super heroes so much is because these men/women of strength and valor go out of their way for those in need. Sometimes its planned, other times its not. For example, I am thinking of a scene in the movie Spider-man, at which Peter Parker is in his spidey suit and off to save the world from the bad guys. Yet, out of nowhere sees an elderly woman trying to coax her kitten out of the tree. It is in this moment, that people stops from chasing the enemy and instead performs an ARK (Act of Random Kindness) to save the kitten and places him right back into the womans arms. Then before she knows it, Spider-man is back in the good vs. evil battle and the scene continues on. It is in that scene where members in the audience connect super heroes with acts of kindness. There are numerous other movies, scenes and instances where superheroes go beyond the call of duty. Then to brighten up the world a bit, we periodically see these everyday average people going beyond their limits and help a fellow out. This is beauty and brings inspiration to all.
My encouragement for the week is this: whether someone sees or not, always do what is right. If you can, go beyond.
This morning I had to get my blood drawn, a little after the break of dawn. It was early, I was tired and I got lost trying to find the lab. Thankfully, I found it, just in time. Then came the fun part (just kidding) when they had to take my blood. Now, normally I get them to use a butterfly needle, however, this time, the woman told me that they would not be able to do that, or it would mess up the test. WHAT? (was definitely my first thought). However when she stuck the needle in me, I barely felt it. It was like a little pinch and I could feel it in my vein yet it didn’t seem like a big deal. I have had a lot of blood tests since the accident, especially while I was still in the hospital. AND you know what I remember, just how excruciating that pain was and how thick the needle was. Once out of the hospital, the first year I felt like I was getting blood tests every two weeks or every month to keep an eye on things. I hated getting my blood drawn. I think I was also scared of getting my blood drawn and of the pain of the sharp needle.
You know what I learned today? I learned that I am not scared of needles or of getting blood drawn. It felt fine, although slightly uncomfortable, and I would have rather not have been there. I was and it was quick and easy. It is no longer a big deal, just a simple step on my road of recovery.
In addition, when I walked outside after my blood test, the clouds were separating and I could see the light blue sky. The trees were still dripping, from being soaked in rain and the sound of tires rubbing against the water drenched streets. It was a beautiful and peaceful moment. Even if just for a bit. I felt whole. I felt like I was no scared of blood tests anymore. That felt like a big step for me. It felt good and nice to not be reacting to my circumstances. Even if it was just for a second or two. To me that felt like closure from a fear. Or rather, overcoming a fear. To me that feels like healing and trust, that it’ll be ok to get my blood drawn when I have to. Trust in G-d, that the results will help guide my doctors and myself to learn what is going on with my health. Trust in the practitioner, enough to let her/him poke me with a needle. To me, this feels like a step forward, even after yesterdays exhaustion rant and feeling like I was five steps backwards. I guess everything in its own time.
Here’s thanks to G-d, for the beauty in overcoming a fear of mine and in the simplicity when the clouds part and the sky shines through. To me, it helped me to start my last day of classes prior to finals, in just such a beautiful way!